La Femme
single/
Date Of Birth ; 0808
Current age . 20something
Occupation ; Model/Writer
Location . Mostly LDN,
♥♥♥_About Me.
♥ Punk ♥ Reggae ♥ Hip-Hop ♥ Ska
♥ Hardcore ♥ Politics ♥ Culture
♥ Social Awareness ♥ Language
♥ Maths ♥ Chaos Theory ♥ Activism
♥ Permaculture ♥ Anthropology
♥ Blonde ♥Blue Eyed. Boring.
♥ Never posts pictures. Lazy. ♥ Dance
♥ Friends ♥ Travel ♥ Family ♥ Writing
♥ Reading
The Last...090610
thing you ate: A sausage in beans, Alan Pratridge stylee!! I'm ultra class.thing you downloaded: Nothing
song listened to: Empire State of Mind - Alicia Keyes, beautiful song, and recently I'm really missing New York. The time I spent there was very romantic. Carefree, smitten and in new York. But I feels I really need to point out, this has nothing at all to do with E. item you read: Silly comments on Facebook. I hate how it's like one big party when it really isn't.
person you talked to: Marie. Love you!
item you purchased: Vitamins, make up. Could I be anymore exciting?
text you recieved: "This Friday! Hope you can make it. Would be awesome to see your beautiful face, Lady P"
text you sent: "I wish I had a private jet. I would be there in an instant. Love you xxx"
person you kissed: Still no comment
thing you did before filling this out: Checked me facebook.
thing you thought about: It was actually when I was writing that thing about missing New York, I started thinking about well, New York, and E. He was so damaged, and I really hate using that word, but I shared some of the wickedest times with him.
Rewind
March 2009
April 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
June 2010
The Cast
Some of the cast in my life story! I'll add more in time. Please don't be offended I I didn't list you!!
Stussy: BFF. Notable for her deathly palour, extraordinary talent, and wicked sense of humour.
Leni: Another BFF. Easy Going, Sweet, Funny, and Mother of my God Daughter.
Sam: Best BFF. Used to be my neighbour. Obssessed with Skateboarding. Would trust with my Soul.
Chilli: Chilled out BFF who has a weird half American Accent and a mass of red hair.
Pebbles: Cute BFF, impeccable dress sense, absolute sweetheart, and mother to Zakai.
J: On/Off Boy Thing. Overly Charismatic and vomit inducingly funny.
Jacob: X-Boy. Overly Complicated friendship. But otherwise a hardworking guy dedicated to the Cause.
Jake: My little brother. Quiet. Unassuming. Adorable.
Masie: Little Sister. Cute. Smart and probably set out to be the family genius (cause I failed at it.)
Johnny: New BF. Well new compared to the others. One of my favourite mischief partners.
Marie: Has the patience of a saint. Is my long suffering point of constant contact as my agent.
E: X-Boy. Had an On/Off Relationship for about 4/5 years. Sweet but broken. We have a weird friendship.
Kei: Leni's husband. Rockstar. And one of my favourite housemates ever. We made the best sandwiches.
Aidan: The one and original x-boy. My high school sweetheart. Nothing weird. Just wicked friends.
Thanks,
31 August 2009,
♥ 22:24
Leni and stussy came down on friday to 'help me' attend a show I knew J was going to be at. I had tried every excuse under the sun to not go but it didn't wash. I made myself look as beautiful as I could and got a bit too drunk. I walked through the entrance and saw J with her, his ex. I pretended I hadn't seen him but I could feel his eyes burn into my skull. I still can't believe everything very suddenly went completely wrong.The girls helped me get more and more fucked until everythign went hazy. He came over to talk to me and I couldn't hear a word of what he was saying. I just smiled. Then he left with her. I don't even have any problem with her, and this situation is just mentalist. I don't even know why it's bothered me. He was with her first. And it's not like we were in love.
But no, thats the thing. We were just taking it as it came, nice and simple...then it got complicated, and I just don't get it. As he walked of I made my excuses to go to the toilet and ended up crying beside a portaloo. Thats when I saw my other ex, Jake. He had been involved with organising the 'shindig'. Kissing his new 'thing'. It's not like I'm even bothered about Jake, but you know there's being low...and then there's being trampled on by a herd of stampeding rhinos.
I remember looking at my muddy shoes thinking what a mess I was. My life is about to get really busy. I fly out for work in a couple of days. I have a meeting that could decide the course of my future and all I can think about is how even though there not even my 'in a relationship' boyfriends I feel totally fucked over. And like I said, thats only the half of it. I haven't even got the heart to write about the other things.
As a woman in Modern Britain who has a job some would die for, I am totally useless. It's a prescription for womankind...
25 August 2009,
♥ 22:39
Life is set to get uber mentalist, at least from the point of view of work. I'm super tired and have until Friday to finish all these articles. And then 'the season' kicks off again. I can sleep in December right?J hasn't called or text. I haven't called or text him either. It's such a mess. The last I heard was through a friend of a friend. He's not particualarly happy from what I can gather. But then, I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with it. Do I forgive and get on or do I make a point? There's a show on friday night. Do I go?
My mum says I'm too thin. Other people tell me I'm too fat. Does it even matter? I eat every day. I walk pretty much everywhere. I'm sick of trying to do the right thing by people. No one ever credits good behaviour. This world is twisted.
I'm so exhausted. Mentally. I'm not sure if I can morally define whats right anymore. Maybe I just need to sleep. Last night I dreamed I was dating someone I would loosely call a friend. I haven't seen the guy in months. He has no bearing on my life. It was so real. And the saddest thing was my reaction to his affection was...well at least someone cares.
I'm not in a happy place. Everyone seems to be gone. Everyone seems to have their own shit to deal with. I have so many friends, aquaintances, people I adore and would give my life for but I still feel so lonely.
Everyday I'm forced to address these tiny fractions of my body that just don't live up to the norm. My social conscience sits on my shoulder judging every action I have to partipcate in. All I want to be is a good person. All I want is some vaguely harmonious semblence of life. Every action I take seems to be some sort of mistake that gets magnified and played out in slow motion.
I don't even know what to write. I already sound like a tragic teenage serial drama. I'm just having a big fat cliche. I know every optimist will tell me how good I have it. I'm not disputing that. I'm just saying I'm having a personal meltdown. There's so much going on that I haven't even mentioned. I'm brain dead. I want a break.
21 August 2009,
♥ 11:12
I woke up and burst out crying this morning. I don't know if I should even be bothered. J told me last night when he was feeling a bit worse for wear that he was still sleeping with his ex girlfriend up to quite recently. The last time being June. As far as I could get out it wasn't constantly, like one or two times.J was in a really long term (5 or 6 years) relationship before me and I thought they'd split up at Christmas. I found out a bit later it was in February. J and I got together at the end of February. He said in a moment of honesty that he thought I was a bit of fun, that he didn't plan on actually liking me. He said for a while he was just not dealing with splitting up with his girlfriend, and then whe she came to see him, he just relapsed.
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel? J and I have never even said we're really going out together. We definitely hadn't really defined anything in June. I mean yeah I can be mad at him a little, but what about her? And god, I don't know. Apart from this, and the slightly thorny issue of Johnny, we have this amazing err, courtship.
I just didn't think it would be J. He was the most straightforward relationship I've ever had. Or at least I thought so. I'm just proved wrong time and time again. Whats wrong with me? After turning E down too. Thats a whole other story. Not thats an achievement. Well it is sorta.
And then I called Sam last night and he's not happy. The shop is closing down, something they had been trying to sort out for such a long time. It's really affected his relationship with Jenna. They're still at a difficult point. It kills me to not be able to be there for him. I want him to come live with me in LDN.
Stussy has gone back home for the time being. She was only staying with me whilst she had work down here, an exhibition and things. Chilli has gone to the US to see her father. The house is so quiet. So anyway, Sam told me Jake has a new girlfriend. I'm not jealous but the girl he's chosen, she's just so, so wrong.
Back in the day there was a group of girls who were younger than us. I'm not meaning this to come out in any kind of funny way but they sort of used to try to be part of our crowd. They were always hitting on the boys and they would do it in the most attention seeking ways. One of them used to crush on Jay so bad, and another one would always copy my hair and clothes. It was so weird. I once remember wearing an almost cheerleader outfit with bright pink hair. She wore the exact same outfit pretty much a few weeks later.
So anyway, Jake is going out with one of those. I just don't get it. I mean I know them to say 'hi' but thats it. She's like this clingy, attention seeking...child. Jake has always gone out with smart, down to earth girls. She is the anti-thesis of everything he likes in a girl. Maybe I'm just being a bitch, I just can't fathom it. Jake doesn't owe me anything and she's probably a nice person but I just don't really understand. Am I meant to?
10 August 2009,
♥ 23:43
It's almost midnight. My body is weak, wrecked from the last few weeks playing and working super hard. I don't remember te last time I sat down and just had a cup of tea. That thought on it's own seems like a novelty. There's so much I want to write about but really I should sleep.Where do I start? It was my birthday last weekend. And I went to a festival like I do every year. Lots of friends, drinking, dancing. Saw some amazing bands. And I saw E. It was really, really weird. Totally awkward.
Meh. I'm too tired to write. Sorry!